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So last post ever here. I gave Liam’s writer permission to make a post about her status but they haven’t really gotten a chance to do it. I’ve really gone back and forth on this decision all day because my emotions have been all over the place. I think I’ve sort of reached a breaking point though and the final decision is that Hannah is going to die in surgery in the morning.
Up until the last time I looked at the dash right now, I had given consideration to the different plot directions I could go with when I did decide to bring to bring her back. I just don’t know if I personally feel comfortable with a lot of stuff that is happening at the moment. I will miss many of you and I think that was what is making this decision so hard on me.
Kimli: Thank you for always being my crying shoulder. Especially in these last few days. You’ve had a lot of patience dealing with my ups and downs. I absolutely adore you Eli and I will forever miss Bonnie and Clyde’s friendship. He holds a special place in my heart and hers and I’m just sad that they never got to hang out again like we talked about.
Meg: Don’t change anything about yourself. You’re super and I love your Owen. I appreciate you being there for me as well. You’re amazing and I really enjoyed the random conversations that Hannah and Owen would have about relationships and people. I’m sorry that she couldn’t help bring Owianca back together in life. Who knows maybe she’ll do some good in death.
Bianca’s Player: I apologize that I suck at names and I currently can’t remember yours. :) I never anticipated when we wrote that second party and Hannah got into it with Bianca that it would lead to the greatest friendship she had in this game. I will miss their conversations about everything. She really was Hannah’s best friend and I’m sad that she’ll never get to know Chase but know that Hannah loved her very much and hopes that both of them will have long and happy lives.
Adam’s Player: You have always been such a good person ic and ooc to me and I appreciate the time that I have known you. I whole-heartily regret the fact Hannah ever hurt Adam. Thank you for allowing him to be such a good friend to her both before we moved here and after it and started over. She meant every word in those messages they shared the other day. She will forever look down on him and be his guardian angel.
Amanda: I remember when I first approached you to ask you to bring in a Liam. I missed writing with you and since our kids cannot do so in our other game it was a good fit here. Thank you for being my friend and being there for me when things were really at their worst. I know we’ll stay in touch so I’m not worried about that. I just wanted to say that I love you.
Everyone Else: I wish you all the best of luck with your time here. I still love to write and I will continue do so. Hopefully, I’ll see some of you elsewhere. Feel free to keep in touch with me if you want.
My personal tumblr is: http://modernverbosity.tumblr.com
You can always catch me there.
Jake’s abrupt departure had left her alone with her thoughts. Hannah had never imagined that when she arrived at his home to spend time with him things would go so completely downhill. She went from hope to a complete and utter despair in a matter of moments. That had not been how things were supposed to end. She didn’t try and stop him from leaving though. She knew she’d eventually have to return to his house. Her car was still parked there. At the moment, she couldn’t bring herself to move much less to think about returning there and possibly have to face him again. Jake didn’t want to see her and she didn’t want to see him. It was all a little much. She picked up her phone debating texting Bianca, Eli or even Liam to come get her but she left the message unsent, pocketing. She didn’t want to disrupt their lives. Bianca was probably off somewhere with Drew or resting. She didn’t need the added stress of this and she wasn’t ready to hear how she’d been right. Then there was Eli who she hadn’t spoken to in days. He had his own things that he was sorting through and she didn’t want to burden him. Liam. Liam would likely murder Jake for making her cry and she didn’t want to responsible for that. The fact was that she wasn’t sure that she really even wanted to go anywhere or be near anyone. She pushed herself up from the swings, moving toward nowhere in particular. Even though it felt like time had stopped it was still moving. She needed to move. Where was there to go anymore though? It all seemed so pointless and trivial. Why should she bother to go anywhere if she was just doomed to end up there alone? That’s all life was. It was a series of disappointments leading to an inevitable moment where she was going to be alone.
The worst part was that she saw what everyone said. They didn’t even pretend to care about her feelings or how she might feel. Their words haunted her, made her sick to her stomach. She wanted to hurl and she wasn’t sure if it was the things that she knew they were saying or would say or if it was the fact she was completely cried out. She wasn’t good enough for any of them. She was never going to be good enough either. Their expectation was that she was this smart girl who was supposed to her math books and school. She was never meant to mean anything more to anyone. They all knew how worthless she was and now Jake knew it too. That was why they were so adamant that he pursue Saint Clare Edwards. It was revolting really. Hannah resented the fact everyone saw her as so perfect. She didn’t understand why everyone was in love with her or the fact Jake acted like she was an allergy but Clare was was a cure. She resented him for ever coming back to Toronto or giving her the time of day. She resented him stopping her from running away. It paled in comparison to how much she absolutely hated Clare. She couldn’t hate him though. Not even now. Not even as her heart was completely shattering and she felt like she couldn’t go on.
She let out another sob, losing her ability to control it anymore. She was staggering a bit to try and keep herself moving. Jake. Jake. Her heart was completely and irreparably broken. His words kept replaying in her head and the look on his face when she’d brought up how she wasn’t his mother filled her head. She hadn’t meant it the way he’d taken it. He always took the things she said the wrong way. He always took her actions the wrong way. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop and listen. Why did he have to hate her so much? Why did he have to abandon her like this? Why had he led her on for so long and let her dream of a happy ending if this was how it was going to end? His stupid smile and the feel of his lips was forever stuck in her mind. She kept playing it back in her head and she just couldn’t see how something that had started with so much potential could go so wrong. The only conclusion she could find was that she was defection. She wasn’t pretty enough. She wasn’t good enough. The fact she wasn’t good enough was a fact she kept telling herself in her head. She wasn’t. She was never going to be. She didn’t want to face her peers ever again but she knew she couldn’t face him again. It couldn’t happen if it meant watching him prance around the hall doing all the things she’d wanted to do with him with some other girl.
She heard people in the distance but she didn’t care to look up. She didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t care if people saw her, mascara running down her cheeks and looking like complete shit. Her flaming red curls was everywhere. Her chaotic thoughts were disrupted by someone grabbing at her purse roughly, shoving her hard toward the cement walkway. Her blood shot eyes opened, returning to reality long enough to look around her and to push back. She was surrounded and she didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know the faces. They were older by maybe a few years. She had nothing else to lose and she didn’t want to give up what little she did have, kicking hard at her assailant. He grimaced and yelled as she made impact. The others moved in as she started to bolt. She tripped on her own feet and met the ground hard, crying as she was jerked back up by her red hair.
“What sort of idiot lets a girl walk around alone at night?” one of them said as the one with her hair tugged her back. She was squirming to try and get away. She was not going to answer them. She bit her lip until it bled, trying to decide where to move from here. She had no idea where she was anymore. Her mind tried to race back to where she’d been and where she’d walked but it all came up blanks. All she could do was prayer that if she screamed loud enough someone would hear her and come save her from this. She let out a blood curling scream before starting to scream Jake’s name over and over again until her throat was raw. Maybe he hadn’t gone far. Maybe he was still watching. Maybe he could save her. His name even when it brought her so much pain was the only one she felt could save her from this. Her faith plummeted as another one of them approached and backhanded her. “When we talk to you, you answer, “ he barked harshly before he plucked her purse completely off her and started to dump out the contents, pocketing anything of value.
The taste of blood and the agonizing pain of a broken nose told her that the punch had been hard. Her brain started to throb almost instantly as she struggled to even stay alert. Her green eyes moved in and out of focus. They were taking everything. Through her foggy vision she saw one of them rip off a keychain from her purse, beads flying everywhere. Liam’s little brother had made it for her months ago. A quiet plead of ‘no’ escaped her lips. She had so little fight left but she was still clawing and fighting to escape them and to escape this. Her fingers felt bloody, she was certain she’d broken a few nails. She was only still on her feet because of the hand jerking her hair. Her dropped her harshly against the ground again. Their words were starting to move out of focus. She could hear them arguing over what to do with her. She heard something familiar in the background, something she’d heard in movies but in that instant she couldn’t place it. But then she felt something hard in back. She didn’t have time to think before the trigger was pulled. Complete and utter shock filled her every form as she collapsed harder into the ground, her head making full impact with the ground. She gasped for breathe as their footsteps and voices moved away from her. She could see house lights turning on the distance before it became too hard to keep her eyes open. Everything felt wet. She felt like she was drowning. Her eyes closed shut unable to bear the pain anymore and soon she gave way to complete and utter unconsciousness.
I can’t do a read more because I am at work but honestly this needs to be said. I am going on a hiatus because I am incredibly upset at the moment. I have an acute anxiety disorder and this is just becoming a little much for me.
The anon hate really got me worked up but seeing the one storyline that I actually cared about crashing and burning really hurts me personally. Writing is meant to be fun and I’ve tried my hardest to make it fun for me. It’s hard when no matter what I do it just feels like it’s more bs. When I breakdown and want to cry at work, it’s gone too far.
I suppose my main thing is that you should remember that there are real people behind these characters with lives that you know nothing about. Even if you think your anon hate is funny or the way you treat someone is clever, you could be actually hurting someone.
Honestly not sure when or even if I want to come back. Once I decide what to do with Hannah you’ll all know.
ooc/ I am going to cry. I wrote a long message and the app ate it on my phone. Rewriting it. :(
Hannah was desperately trying to not let him see her cry but her lip quivered and her big green eyes looked watery as if they could spill over at any moment. She crossed her arms, closing herself off from him completely. She shook her head in disbelief at what she was hearing. Did he really think things were that easy? She couldn’t just cut off her feelings and be friends.Sighed, “Where do you think you stand with me, Hannah?” Jake asked, his eyebrows furrowing. “Maybe we should just start over.” He began to say, choosing his words carefully. “As friends.” He added. “If it somehow lands on a date, then fine, so be it.” Jake shrugged and smiled reassuringly. “I can’t right now Hannah.” He said, about her words indicating he was scared. “I am intimidated by a relationship.”
“And if I would be with you, I’d want to make sure it ends right.” Jake sighed, “I’m not okay with breaking your heart, and if a relationship were to happen..” He said softly, trailing off.
“Things were casual,” she told him quietly. It was clear that this had never been casual for her at all. It was a word used to appease him. She wasn’t sure she was capable of casual feelings. “This isn’t casual. You don’t just go back to just friends,” she told him spotting the swings and sitting dejectedly on one. “You can’t end something you never gave a chance to begin.”
She buried her face in her hands, wishing he’d just let her leave that night when she’d wanted to run away from it all. She understood how easy it could be to just stop breathing. Her heart couldn’t handle this. “Don’t you see that you’ve already broken my heart,” she said quietly through her tears. “You can call things whatever you want but I’m a real person who isn’t your mom or any other girl who might hurt you. People always get hurt. I trusted you to not hurt me.”Jake looked down at the wood chips. Hannah’s words had hurt him. Especially how she had brought up his mother. Not sure what to say, he sat down on the swing next to her, a frown pasted on his face. He had only gone on one date with her. A date, for god sake’s. He didn’t know much about her, and the fact that she had brought up the only deep thing she really knew about him had really made Jake upset.
When Hannah also had said he had broken her heart, something inside him feel deep pit of darkness. He had never wanted to hurt her. Jake liked her on the first date, but after her running away because he had talked to another girl intimidated him. And now… He realized she had fallen for him; hard, a lot harder then he had fallen for her. There wasn’t much he could do or say, but to sit next to her, waiting for her to say something.
That was the difference in them. She’d invested time and energy into knowing about him. She observed and asked questions. He’d never even tried to do the same. She’d been willing, waiting and it was like he didn’t ever care. At the moment that was how it felt like. She’d just been there and willing. There was never anyone there telling her that she ought to hook up with this or that person in front of his face. How was she not supposed to have been hurt by it or the way he’d played into it? How was she supposed to legitimately ever have a chance if he shut her out from the moment it became something more than a crush.
He was a coward and she wanted to call him that to his face but even now as she hurt she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. There was never anything wrong with her. She’d been the one to ask him to spend time with her that one nigt in Cuba (and she counted it as a date even if he didn’t) and she’d called just to make sure he was okay when he was sick or stayed home texting him instead of partying because she wanted to know mor about him.
One hand clenched the rusting steel of her swing. She wished she were Eli for a moment. He always seemed to have the right words. He was a wordsmith and she was a mathematician. Her brain liked things that worked logically. This was not logical. These feelings, these words they were vices wrapping around her throat and slowly suffocating her to death.
“I could recite anything you ever told me about yourself,” she said after a long moment. “You don’t know the first thing about me. You never tried because you’re afraid something good might actually work. I… you… you make me feel like there is something wrong with me.”
(via hgdjtrhfg)
Hannah was desperately trying to not let him see her cry but her lip quivered and her big green eyes looked watery as if they could spill over at any moment. She crossed her arms, closing herself off from him completely. She shook her head in disbelief at what she was hearing. Did he really think things were that easy? She couldn’t just cut off her feelings and be friends.Jake bit his lip and thought about what to say. “Look, after all the people talking; I, I feel like this is already a relationship.” He said softly, “I feel really pressured.” Jake said so quietly it sounded like a whisper. He shook his head a little. “I don’t know.” He managed to mumble, fidgeting with his fingers.
Jake focused on his walking feet on the sidewalk, studying the the black piece of gum in the corner of the path. He was usually okay with explaining how he felt, so why was it so hard now? This was a different thing Jake was dealing with, considering he had never truly ran into drama before.The saddest part of all of it was the drama really wasn’t between them. She’d respected the guidelines of their arrangement. It was everyone else who seemed to have a problem with it. She didn’t love it but she’d lived with it. Hannah wanted to make this work. She really did with all heart. She wasn’t sure that it was what Jake wanted though. That was what scared her.
“You care too much what everyone else thinks,” she told him simply, tugging at her red hair, pulling it into a messy bin with a hair bow that had been around her wrist. She kept her voice calm. Owen had taught her some things. “You can’t always assume the worst about people and things, Jake. Eventually you’re going to have to learn to have faith that not everyone wants to hurt you,” she told him knowing why this was so hard for him and why everyone else wasn’t helping. Her voice broke slightly, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
It wasn’t quite that simply though. She wanted to go back to the days when they laughed and ate together at her house, kissed in her room. “I know where I stand with you, Jake,” she told him simply. “It hurts caring and watching you put more effort into other people but it’s better than nothing.”
Sighed, “Where do you think you stand with me, Hannah?” Jake asked, his eyebrows furrowing. “Maybe we should just start over.” He began to say, choosing his words carefully. “As friends.” He added. “If it somehow lands on a date, then fine, so be it.” Jake shrugged and smiled reassuringly. “I can’t right now Hannah.” He said, about her words indicating he was scared. “I am intimidated by a relationship.”
“And if I would be with you, I’d want to make sure it ends right.” Jake sighed, “I’m not okay with breaking your heart, and if a relationship were to happen..” He said softly, trailing off.
(via hgdjtrhfg)
“I guess we should kill the elephant in the room,” she told him sounding calm but internally she was freaking out a bit. She knew who his anon was. Someone had uttered those same words to her before after she’d rejected them. She wasn’t going to call them out but she knew who they were. “It feels like there is one thing after another — my feelings were hurt yesterday though — I know who said those things about me and I know why they said them. It doesn’t make it true,” she said quietly, ”It’s funny how people can never even have a conversation with you and judge you. Getting judged and shoved into some column based on what people expect of you just gets old.”
Hannah chewed her lip for a moment, letting what she was saying sink in. She’d always been real with him and she wasn’t going to change that now. She just felt like she was sinking. “I like you so much,” she said honestly. There was a but there. “It feels like I try so hard and last night I figured put that maybe I have been trying too hard. I just wanted you to like me the way I liked you. Maybe I’m just meant to be the smart, funny girl that gets overlooked though.” She could feel her own heartbreaking. She just needed to be strong though.Jake bit his lip and thought about what to say. “Look, after all the people talking; I, I feel like this is already a relationship.” He said softly, “I feel really pressured.” Jake said so quietly it sounded like a whisper. He shook his head a little. “I don’t know.” He managed to mumble, fidgeting with his fingers.
Jake focused on his walking feet on the sidewalk, studying the the black piece of gum in the corner of the path. He was usually okay with explaining how he felt, so why was it so hard now? This was a different thing Jake was dealing with, considering he had never truly ran into drama before.
The saddest part of all of it was the drama really wasn’t between them. She’d respected the guidelines of their arrangement. It was everyone else who seemed to have a problem with it. She didn’t love it but she’d lived with it. Hannah wanted to make this work. She really did with all heart. She wasn’t sure that it was what Jake wanted though. That was what scared her.
“You care too much what everyone else thinks,” she told him simply, tugging at her red hair, pulling it into a messy bin with a hair bow that had been around her wrist. She kept her voice calm. Owen had taught her some things. “You can’t always assume the worst about people and things, Jake. Eventually you’re going to have to learn to have faith that not everyone wants to hurt you,” she told him knowing why this was so hard for him and why everyone else wasn’t helping. Her voice broke slightly, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
It wasn’t quite that simply though. She wanted to go back to the days when they laughed and ate together at her house, kissed in her room. “I know where I stand with you, Jake,” she told him simply. “It hurts caring and watching you put more effort into other people but it’s better than nothing.”
(via hgdjtrhfg)
OOC:
Ali really is the only one who understands how much I hate Dratie/Krew.
Just no. I can’t ship that.
OOC:
Baby, welcome to my world. This is how I feel about Cake.
There should be therapy for the emotional scarring the writers have given us all…
I honestly am not a fan of Clare as a character all together but for me I think it’s pretty clear Eclare is going to get back together. I just feel like Jake came in with all this potential and they’re wasting him as a character. Refrains from jumping on the soap box.
I haven’t seen the new episode yet but it will likely piss me off since Drianca was the one ship on the show I liked and then poor Adam is my baby he is forever screwed over. Drew stop stealing your brother’s crushes.
I get the attachment to Bianca. I feel that way about Hannah.
(via biancadesousax-deactivated20120)
OOC:
Ali really is the only one who understands how much I hate Dratie/Krew.
Just no. I can’t ship that.
OOC:
Baby, welcome to my world. This is how I feel about Cake.
There should be therapy for the emotional scarring the writers have given us all this season.
(via biancadesousax-deactivated20120)
